July is a busy month for me. It starts with one of my faforite holidays – Independence Day. And ends with my husband’s birthday (We had a nice party) and between those two we celebrated our second anniversary – at the Seven Feather’s Casino. We can do that without fear of gambling away our vast fortune, ha,ha, because neither one of us likes to play. But we did allow us a budget of $20.00 each to “have fun” with. We lost and won until we walked away happy because we were even. You ask: Why do you go to a casino as a celebration when you’re not into gambling ? Here is the answer. At our age we don’t drive in the dark any more, so a concert of any kind is not on the list of possibilities – accept at a casino where everything is under one roof. We checked into a beautiful room with an affordable price tag, were able to take advantage of entertainement, a choice of restaurants, gift shop, pool – and playing the machines without ever having to start the car after we parked it. One would think these places are established just for us seniors.
Everything went according to plan- we basked in our love for each other – and the blessing of findng each other two years ago as we took in the atmosphere of the establishment. And then “It” happened. As I looked up from my menu my eyes scanned the beautiful art work on the walls. Until the big painting came into view. The artist was no doubt accomplished since the reality of his work hit me so hard. All the familiarity of that panicky feeling. The trembling in my chest, sweaty palms, shaky hands, butterflies in the stomach, lump in my throat and an over all ominous feeling of fear. The painting consisted of an enlargement of a stretch of barbed wire fencing with a dark sky with threatening clouds in the back ground. Instantly I was transported into my childhood that consisted of barbed wire surroundings in all the camps we refugees were housed during Hitler’s Germany. The whole weight of fear rested on me now, in this friendly environment.
That is PTSD. It never goes away. I have learned to do the deep breathing exercises along with other healing measures when the sight, smell or any object or situation brings back the dreadful memories. My companions don’t know of anything unusual gong on but the threat of it happening is always there and when least expected it hits me.
Just wanted to let you know what it’s like – if you want to know the entire story read “The Chocolate Bar” by Agathe von Kampen – and let me hear from you.
PTSD
The Jersey Boys
Going to the movies – it’s still fun. Especially when the movie takes you back to your teen age years. I sang along with the familiar songs, thinking about the time I was 16 and singing along with the radio to keep from the familiar depression to set in. In the songs I could picture the carefree life American teenagers lived. I watched the girls skipping down the sidewalk in the afternoons when the classes at the High School around the corner ended for the day – the boys carrying their books. Their pony tails bouncing and the poodle skirts twirling with the frilly crinolines underneath.
No, I never had a poodle skirt, a pony tail or the care free spirit these girls seemed to have. I was an immigrant, trying to learn the culture, the language – and taking care of my colicky infant daughter. No, I was not a single teenage mother. I was married to a sociopath. Only I had no idea what that was. I learned pretty fast, though. To keep from becoming totally over whelmed with the craziness and the sheer responsibility of it all I lost myself in the music. Music is the same in any language – it speaks from the heart.
When I allowed myself to walk back on memory lane, listening to the happy songs of the early fifties while sitting at the theater I discovered the traumatic life of these entertainers. While they provided us with tunes to dance to they were battling all the same problems the rest of us have to deal with – only they had to smile through their tears – and perform.
Isn’t that what so many of us have to do so often – perform.
Most of the time we wear masks. The sales clerk smiles as she wishes you a good day. The nurse wears long sleeves to conceal the bruises she receives on a regular basis from the man who claims to love her. The business man closes a deal as he shakes the hand of his client, thinking about the divorce pending, the children who are expected to learn and produce passing grades while they are scared to death thinking about whether they will ever see daddy again after he walked out with a suitcase in his hand.
Masks. That’s what we hide behind to conceal our true feelings. I wish that we could all become real – maybe we could display more empathy if we were allowed to see behind the mask.
Right now I want to tell you, my friends, my honest feeling of today – I am the happiest woman alive – celebrating my second anniversary to the man I love who presented me with a two heart necklace as a symbol of his love for me. He tells me that he will love me no matter how many pounds I put on when I lament what the scale shows. He makes me feel like a princess when he makes me omelets every Saturday morning.
Love in practice and words.
My wish for all of you.
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“My 1st Blog Milestone & Happy 4th Of July As An American”!
Hello Readers, Friends, and Family,
I happen to have a little milestone here on my blog today! And it would not have happened without all of my new friends & visitors who have graced my blog with a visit. I have reached 20+ “Likes” her on my blog!
Now I know it seems a little silly to *Celebrate*, but I really do enjoy all who come read, show support, and comment on my blog. My story of what I went through in my long life, and now to be as HAPPY and FREE as I am today in this place called, AMERICA…..
means so very much to me. Others have no idea what it is like to be told and dictated to most all your life, from both living in a war zone, and then in domestic life.
With it coming up on “The 4th Of July” holiday, it is even more special to me as an American. Now I know what “True Freedom” means.
Thanks again for all your “visits & likes” here on my “Read The Chocolate Bar” blog, and I hope you’ll grab a copy of my book to read for the long holiday weekend, as then you’ll understand the true meaning of “Independence & Freedom”!
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“Stability”
Hello Dear Friends, Readers, and Visitors,
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During my career I earned the reputation as being stable and dependable. I have thought about this many times, analyzing the pros and cons.
A few days ago I cut two roses to display in one of my crystal vases (I love crystal) on our dining room table. The pink one seemed to be over shadowed by the breathtakingly beautiful red one. The color was the deepest red and looked like velvet. Every petal was perfect and it seemed to be opening up before my very eyes. Truly magnificent. I took in its fragrant display as I retired for the night – sweet dreams were assured. When I got up for breakfast the next day I could hardly wait to once more feast my eyes on her – yes, it was a girl rose, I’m sure. What disappointment when I looked at that wilted ugliness in the vase. I didn’t even pay attention to the pink rose when all I could feel was disgust at that ugliness. “One evening is all it was good for” I thought to myself as I removed it from it’s pretty glass and threw it in the trash with a vengeance. I paid no attention to the pink one – it was, after all, the red one that had captured my admiration.
I went about my daily business disgruntled because of that episode of disappointment, thinking “how often do I let precious time go by because of a bad attitude caused by some incident not worthy of the energy expended”.
In contrast, a few days later I noticed my timid pink rose – quietly blooming its little heart out for my pleasure while I mourned the red one that had not lived up to my expectation. Here is my object lesson. it is easy to make a good first impression – it’s the long haul that brings either joy or sadness. During my working years I experienced this often when starting a new job. It was my stability and consciencessness that got me the promotions – not the first impression.
Later I came to the conclusion that it is the dependability of a partner that has the most long-lasting effect on a relationship, In the first excitement of romance it is easy to be swept off your feet by a suitor with a bouquet of red roses but it is the consistency of that same person after the boredom of every day life sets in that endures.
Thanks For Visiting,
Author, Agathe von Kampen (Turrell)
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Children
So many news flashes about the baby found in the woods along side the road. It is unbelievable that something like that could happen in this beautiful country of ours. It is heart breaking to think of what could have happened instead. My heart bleeds for the mother – what she must have gone through while her baby was missing.
Now, to the other side of the coin. How can we possibly criticize her for leaving the child in the car while she gassed up ? Yes, there are those who do blame her.
I think we have carried the protection of children a little too far – to the extreme. Sure, we, as parents need to be ever watchful – but not to the extent of becoming neurotic. We can’t live in fear of what could happen around the clock. What are the chances of a kidnapping happening while you are standing there ?
I grew up in a fear based environment during WWII and know what kind of atmosphere that created for a child. From the day I was born fear was the predominating factor for all of us – but it was a realistic fear – bombs did fall, fathers were sent to Siberia or the Natzie concentration camps, hand grenades and other war paraphernalia was littering the ground where we played, people (including children) were blown up in our presence, and yes, I lost my father when I was eight never to see him again – but I survived. As did many others. But many more did not. And that is my point – in this world we don’t know what will happen from day to day. And as much as we would like to protect our children from everything bad, from abuse by the nanny, bullying on the playground or school to job or lifestyle discrimination we are unable to do so.
So, I say: Let’s just live our lives to the best of our capabilities, vote for the leades we believe in, let them do their job after they are in office – and most importantly, be good parents and let others do the same. Our standards will not always be the same and that’s o.k.
My precious grand daughter and her husband decided the day they married that she would be a stay at home mom and after thirteen years of marriage they have kept their promise to each other and have raised a daughter they can be proud of and, I am sure, will contribute to this country’s benefit. No, he does not have a six figure income, in fact he has to work two jobs to support them in modest style. They don’t own a home and drive only one car – but – they are both there for their daughter and keep the love and the discipline consistant. Maybe that is the key to the whole thing. Keeping your prioities straight. I heard Dr. Laura once tell a listener on her famous radio show that the listener made her career choice when she decided to have a baby – that was her job for the next eighteen years.
Sorry if I stepped on any one’s toe but sometimes we just need to speak out.
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Freedom
Hello and Welcome Friends And Readers,
Yesterday I attended church service on the green. It was a lovely summer day and, as I looked around me I was wondering what was going through people’s minds. I must confess that I often go on what I call my “head trips” during a sermon, (Sorry about that, pastor James), and yes, I can listen to the word and still have my own thoughts – I guess you can call that multitasking. So anyway, I sat there thinking about the beautiful stillness – no planes flying overhead, dropping bombs ( yes, I remember the times when that happened almost daily).
No air raid sirens signaling the approach of the enemy or the ending of an attack, (yes, that was a daily activity too on the front lines of WWII ).
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No uniformed soldiers patrolling the parameters of the meeting, ready to arrest any one speaking against the communist or Natzie regime, ( and yes, some of my relatives were banned to die in Siberia or concentration camps ). No rows of prisoners bearing the yellow star of ‘David’ as identification being led through the streets as I remember…Just a nice new summer day of peace in America.
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You can read about it in “The Chocolate Bar” – only shiny American cars passing our little congregation, waving friendly “Hellos”. My stomach was not cramping from starvation as I contemplated what we would have for our pot luck after the service.
No Fear.
This is freedom – this is America.
I fly the stars and stripes proudly. Because I am a citizen of the United States of America!
Much Happiness & Blessings To All,
Agathe von Kampen, Author Of “The Chocolate Bar”
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Patriotic Flowers
After two years of unsuccessful attempts at growing flowers in containers my front entrance is the envy of all my neighbors.
The hanging fuchsias and geraniums are out-doing themselves and the red/white/blue petunias, geraniums lobelias look so healthy one can almost see them sprouting new buds every minute – but – yes, there is always a “But” – here is the problem. Being the patriotic US Citizen that I am ( And I might mention here, if you read “The Chocolate Bar” by Agathe von Kampen you will know why I am so proud of that fact ) I wanted to impress all by-passers of this fact by showing the colors of our flag in my container arrangements on the front porch.
I planned very carefully in choosing and planting the tiny starters in the right order and envisioned the finished product as the flowers produced abundant foliage. Every morning, when I watered them I looked for buds – and surprise, one morning there were flowers – how had I not seen them before they opened up. Oh well, they were here and I was ecstatic. And then they developed a will of their own. They would bloom but not at my command. The white petunias took over all the space. It is hard to not admire them – big, beautiful and sooooo many of them. Where were the red geraniums and the blue lobelias. When I pushed aside the aggressive petunias I found them. The geraniums were barely starting to show a little red and the lobelias tried to hide under the large geranium leaves as if they were afraid to compete with all that pure white of the petunias.
My first reaction was annoyance. Why couldn’t they do what they were supposed to ? I sat on the steps to analyze the situation. My friends often advise me not to over-think things. I might as well be ordered to stop breathing. My thoughts brought me full circle to myself. How often are my actions different from my intent ? So often my fears stop me from being tenderhearted – like the lobelia. If I shrink back will I get lost all together ? And many times I hold back doing what I know I should be doing, showing a little color like the geraniums. But most of the time I rush in where angels fear to tread – just like those white petunias – their color makes them look so innocent, yet they ride rough shot over the rest.
I decided to be happy to let them bloom where the are planted. Just like we should all be willing to do for each other.
that’s my wisdom for today, my friends.
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Father’s Day
Yesterday was Father’s Day. How many times did we hear the phrase “Happy Father’s Day” ? And how many fathers received that greeting deservedly ?
With so many broken families, how many of us fit the profile of the loving, always available parent ? How many children have memories of anything but the happy family with mommy, daddy and the children that they hear about ? Not too many, I’m afraid.
My husband and I invited his brother with his wife over for the traditional Father’s Day Bar- B- Q and had a good time enjoying the American Life Style but, I noticed that none of us mentioned the past – and why ? because our children grew up without one of their parents or the other – and we all have many regrets – would love to have the opportunity to do it over with the wisdom we have acquired over the years – but alas, that is not possible. All has been forgiven, but not forgotten by the children, I’m sure.
So to a happier note: We are proud of all of them – somehow human beings prevail and, I would like to think that somehow they turned into decent, contributing citizens because of some of the things we did right. One thing is for sure – we loved them and, I hope they have felt that.
Happy Father’s Day to all the fathers out there.
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Hello And Welcome Readers, Friends, And Family…
Hello and Welcome To My Blog Visitors,
Now that I have written my story as a memoir of War & Life, I want others to know a little more about where you can now connect with me, share your thoughts of my book, or after reading “The Chocolate Bar,” if you have any questions for me of my life journey in words. My book is available on Amazon here: http://www.amazon.com/Chocolate-Bar-Agathe-von-Kampen/dp/1624850146/ ~ also on Barnes & Noble: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/the-chocolate-bar-agathe-von-kampen/1116294467/
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. My Book “The Chocolate Bar”
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My blog here is where I continue to share my book, my life, and what ever happens to be on my mind at the time….LOL.
You can now connect with me on Social Media! Come by and ‘Like’ my New Author FB Fan Page here: http://www.facebook.com/AuthorAgathevonKampen
You may also find my blog & blog posts on NetWorkedBlogs, Bloglovin, and LonelyBlogs! I also invite you stop by my “New Author Bio & Book page” here on About.Me! http://about.me/AuthorAgathevonKampen
I’m now in the Author Program on Goodreads as well! So come connect with me here: http://www.goodreads.com/authoragathevonkampen
Here is what my book is about. I have seen, lived through, and now have written in my own words what it was like as a child on the frontlines of the battlefields of World War 2….
“With no point of reference for a life of “normalcy,” seeking acceptance and security in a country not accommodating to immigrants, the author relied only on survival instincts, leading to her years of co-dependency, self-doubt, and utter despondency. She finds herself seeking refuge in controlling religious factions and abusive relationships. This life struggle reminds her constantly of her experiences in WWII where she spent her first six years on the front lines in Russia and as a refugee in Hitler’s Germany.”
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Her lullabies were the sounds of gunfire and exploding bombs. Her arrival at Ellis Island was promised to be the beginning of freedom; instead, it was only the continuation of abuse and control—intimate and personal relationships of psychological warfare. This is a compelling account of life as it was back “then” and how this child of war endured as she did, blossoming into a young woman, in a new land called America. A life’s journey, as told by the author with such honesty, innocence, joy, humor, lessons and revealing horrors and sins; is it any wonder how this broken soul did in fact, survive.
I hope you will order a copy today! I am so proud to be an American…
Much Happiness,
Author, Agathe von Kampen (Turrell)
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I Welcome Guest Author, “Agathe von Kampen” To My Writers Blog Today!
I’m happy to be the Guest Author on my good friend and fabulous Author, Catherine Lyon’s Writers Blog! So I wanted to share it with my blog friends too! Agathe…
Hello Readers, Friends, And New Visitors,
Today I have the honor and privilege of introducing you to a good friend of mine, who happens to be a fellow author and the best ‘Story Teller’ I know, Author Agathe von Kampen- (Turrell). S he is a delightful woman who has been through so much than any one woman should have to endure in one lifetime! She inspires me as a writer and author truly.
We first met through our publisher, as we both are from ‘The Kodel Empire Publishing family’ http://kodelempire.com/ in So. Oregon where she resides. I was given a copy of her current book, “The Chocolate Bar” and when I began to read it, and I seriously could not put it down.
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I was so taken aback about what Agathe had gone through in her life, that I quickly learned she was one wise and a strong woman. I’m so inspired by her true…
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Read The Chocolate Bar 