Time for a make over once again. I would be the model child. Not only that, I would be the peacemaker in the family. Since, it seemed, I was the one who always created the discord I would have to be the one to restore the balance in the family. The strange thing is that when you make all the lofty decisions to become perfect it creates such happiness in your heart – as if it’s already working – hurray, I’ve found the answer. Alas, that feeling of euphoria only lasts until the first time the plan fails. And when it comes to success or failure, the resolutions are always doomed. What i had to learn later in life, after uncountable failures is that perfection of character is a lifetime effort – and just about impossible to achieve when you are a child. Especially if you were labeled so imperfect at the very start. Add to that the instability of life during the war when even the adults were drifting on the edge of sanity the effort is totally wasted. But at the age of seven I certainly didn’t have the insight to understand any of that – all I wanted was to be loved and accepted the way I was – to take that heavy burden of being responsible for our family’s happiness off my shoulders and in my childish idealism I would try to do the impossible.
When I developed the friendship with Jacob (page 64-70) I realized that I was, again, the odd one out. My family was elated to be main streamed into the German life style, full of hope, as they were pursuing jobs and other involvement in society while I was sitting by a dying cancer patient, feeling his pain. Is that when I developed the nurturing ability that, in my fifty’s came in so handy in performing my duties in the social service career I fell into ?
What did not serve me well in my adult life, and especially in my relationships was that, was one way I could create peace out of chaos in my surroundings was to accept blame when I had done nothing wrong – it always worked at the moment only to bite me back with a vengeance, creating self loathing.feeling worthless, developing a deep depression. It seemed so easy for people to believe that I was the culprit in whatever the situation. Is that why I seemed to be the attraction for sociopaths and narcissists ?
I would find the answer to that after many years of being blamed unfairly and blaming myself, leaving me totally confused.
I developed wisdom through fiery trials.