Page 20 to 28 of my book, The Chocolate Bar you can recognize the beginning of low self esteem developing in a very small child. When my mother had to function as a wet nurse, again, to escape the dreaded ban to Siberia if she refused it spelled total rejection to me as a two to three year watching through the fence of the communist day care center.
Then I was strictly forbidden to speak our “home language” which was German when we were out in public to prevent being recognized as Germans, which again spelled Siberia. The rest of my family could understand and speak the Russian language and were safe but I was too young to know any language other then what was spoken at home. By being singled out to not speak I felt inferior to everybody else.
Then, a few years later, when I was supposed to start school and refused to answer the teacher’s questions I was labeled retarded. We were now under German occupation and it was not only safe, but advantageous to be/speak German, no one had bothered to inform me of that – I continued to be silent and therefore labeled incapable of learning in school.
Then, the following Christmas, when I threw a fit because our neighbor girl who was a couple of years younger and cut a hole in my new doll’s head I was accused of being the one who was a brat since “you are so much older” was the phrase I heard over and over.
So, what was I a retard – in that case should I not be excused for my behavior ? And if I was to be held responsible as a six year old should I not be accepted in school ?
All of it was very confusing.
Another conflicting episode happened shortly after that – on page 29. Will discuss that next Saturday.
The Rest Of The Story – August 25,2013