As you can see the love/hate relationship with my mother started before I was born and continued through my lifetime. I never doubted her love for me as she demonstrated frequently that she was willing to die for me but, at the same time her apparent rejection of me when I wasn’t even old enough to communicate my distress as evidenced in the day care center (page 11)created so much fear in my very little heart that it was impossible to grow up with a healthy self esteem – indeed, not even the smallest sense of security. Is it any wonder that I fell into relationships that continued manipulation and withdrawal of love as an adult ?
The world was a very scary place for any child growing up on the front lines of the war but when the withdrawal of love from a parent that you totally depend on is added to that it is a wonder that I was able to have compassion and show love in any situation at all. Of course the trauma the war created for the adults must have been double in magnitude,considering not only the fear of their own survival but that of their children. There was always the fear of the parents being banned to Siberia, having to leave their children behind to the communistic regime – horrible. Like the smallest offense, as we in America would view it, became a life or death threat like the radio that was considered counterband (page15). Also, their own children became a threat when they would find out about such things – and children have a way of doing that, and what if they opened their mouth to the wrong person – just once. That’s all it would take for the father to be banished, never to be heard from again. In the process a child feels abandoned, mistrusted when a constant reprimand about not keeping silent is required. Add to that the reality of hearing your parents whispering of all the fear filled anxieties of the consequences of one word out of place. I was constantly aware of all the unspeakable possibilities as a result of my words – my world became a silent nightmare filled with fear, fear, fear.
Most of my actions as an adult are motivated be fear to this day. The positive in this scenario is that I have spent years searching for meaning and analyzing my actions, feelings, behavior. Dr. Phil always says ” You can’t change what you don’t aknowledge” (yes, I watch Dr. Phil) and I am a firm believer in that concept and work at developing this practice every day.
Talk to you next week – leave me a comment – yours truly, Agathe