The rest of the story – Aug.3, 2013

03 Aug

Control! That’s what it was all about for my mother.On page 7 and 8 in “The Chocolate Bar” I talk about my brother whom I never met. He was her first born – a special child for every mother. But she lost him to Tuberculoses when he was three years old which left her devastated. When my parents expected their second child and it turned out to be another boy she insisted on naming him Gerhard after her father – the same name as the first baby. she was determined that their offspring be named after her father not her husband as was the custom in that country at that time. And how weird is that – to name the second child the same name as the first. When I was born my father wanted to name me after his mother – only fair, right ? But no, I was named after my mother’s mother (my father addressed me by his mother’s name in secret ) I am sure my father objected but he was a weak man, as I slowly concluded when I got older. “Nobody can stand up to Muttie” is what he told me once and, alas, I certainly learned that in later years.
Here in America, in the 21st century we see a controlling person in a negative light, but let’s examine that concept. In the middle of a war zone only one person/group can be in control – one is the winner and one the loser. On an individual basis, I think, we can define the person in control as a survivor. And that is the reason I am sitting here writing about my life – because I am a survivor. The reason I am is because my mother used all her energy to control whatever dangerous situation we faced – and we survived. I learned that method of surviving from her and it served me well during the time I was married to a sociopath. The problem with that is that it is difficult to draw the line. When is it advantageous to exercise control and when is it abuse. I experienced both and it led me to analyze human behavior.
I think my mother, just like me later, was motivated by fear. Fear can make you cower in the presence of danger or it can motivate you to act – and that is usually in the form of control. This kind of parenting was very damaging to my maturing process but I totally understand why my mother acted towards me the way she did. The problem is I did not comprehend the complexity of the human psyche until I was much older.
This is the reason I start my book with the day of her funeral. The first time in my fourty some years I felt free to be me as I stood by her grave, knowing that she would never criticise me again but she would never be there with hugs and sympathy either. I was truly alone – even as I gave her the funeral she had requested – I was there alone. My brother was vacationing in Bermuda telling me on the phone to do whatever I saw fit for a funeral and send him the bill. “After all” were his words “There is nothing I can do for her now”. So I stared my life alone – no one to tell me what to do or how to do it, but also, no one to go to for advise or sympathy. I was truly alone – and scared to death – so what were my actions ? I took control.
If you don’t fully understand my reasoning maybe you will after we get deeper into “The Chocolate Bar”.
Talk to you next week. Send me a comment.


2 responses to “The rest of the story – Aug.3, 2013

  1. Author Catherine Townsend-Lyon

    August 3, 2013 at 8:49 pm

    I’m now half way through your book!!! I got to the part where you got the Letter from friends who want to help you come to America!! You have NO idea how much I understand about The controlling nature of MOM’S!! We were in the same boat with THAT Problem growing up!! I’ll be doing more *SHARES* of your book on my Author FB Page, Twitter, LinkedIn, and on my Google+….to get you MORE READERS! Hugs & Blessings, Catherine Lyon :-0 🙂


    • agatheschocolatebar

      August 3, 2013 at 9:03 pm

      Hi Catherine,
      So happy you can identify with my story. Just finished today’s blog. Anxious to see your response.



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